Making Assumptions

As I woke up this morning, the first thought I had, after "Why is that cat on my head!" was of you: My readers and CEDRIC Community members. I was reflecting on a phenomenon I've been noticing, which is that I receive far more comments on my articles that are not tools-oriented but more information and thoughts to ponder, than I do on my offerings that have specific steps attached, designed to help you achieve your goals.

I lay there, reflecting on this pattern and noticed that I began to feel a little unsettled, "the niggle" was up! As I asked myself what needs I had that weren't being met that were triggering that niggle, the answer became clear: I want my readers to be successful in their healing. I don't want them to stay stuck in the use of food to cope when they don't have to. I want my writing to inspire them and motivate them to try doing something differently. Okay, so my needs were for purpose and significance and connection for me and ease, freedom and peace for you. Ahhh, then two things struck me about my niggle and about what I was up to in that moment.

1. I was making assumptions about you! I was lying there in my ultra-comfy bed telling myself stories about you and those stories were causing me distress. I was telling myself that the lack of comments on tools-related articles was because I wasn't a motivating writer and/or because I had failed to teach the tool in a way that was easy to understand and use. In other words, I was making big assumptions, telling myself harmful stories, and those stories were making me feel that niggly, anxious feeling because I was telling myself, based on those assumptions, that I had needs that weren't being met. And I wasn't telling myself that "maybe" I needed to change my teaching style I had bought into that story as "the truth." That's why I felt the niggle.

That sense of dis-tress or dis-ease never arises when we're still open to any possibility, it only arises when, consciously or unconsciously we've attached to one story as "the truth." And usually, it's not the truth, or certainly not all of the truth. As soon as I realized what I had been doing, I laughed and asked myself if I wanted to continue to make those assumptions, or did I want to check them out, or did I want to just let them go. I let them go, and decided to check them out also, but from a place of genuine inquiry and openness and not from a place of wanting to confirm or refute my assumption. Anything could be true, myriad explanations exist. Why would I want to harm myself by fixating on one story when there were so many possible ones?

2. The other thing I was reminded of when I recognized my niggle, my needs and the assumptions that triggered them both was that I have no right to have needs for you, or of you. As Byron Katie, a teacher whose work I greatly appreciate would say: It's either your business, their business, or God's business, and you have no business being in anyone else's business! (okay, she's more eloquent than that, but you get the drift?) I was in your business, telling myself stories about what you should be doing, how you should be using the tools (assuming that you weren't), what I should be hearing and how often, etc., etc., etc. All of this was happening semi-consciously in a split second, and the only indicator I had that any of this was going on was my little niggle.

That's my cue, and yours too, that one of 2 things is happening: 1. you really do have needs in the present that are not being met (ie. you are hungry, you have to go to the bathroom, you've misplaced your keys and you're late) or 2. you're hooked into a harmful story that has you fixated on a worst-case-scenario outcome and, rather than telling yourself it's one of myriad possibilities, you're telling yourself it's going to happen and you need to steel yourself and prepare, hence, up comes the niggle that represents all the needs you're telling yourself won't be met when that worst-case-scenario thing happens. Once I realized that I was getting hooked into stories about how you, my readers, "should" be using the tools, and that you weren't, I could laugh at myself and let it go. I really do trust you to know what you need, when you need it and to make use of my offerings in the way that feels like the best fit at the right time for you. I just needed to remind myself of that!

For you, if you're still using food to cope, this process of stories being pitched to you by your Drill Sgt. and then being logged as truth is probably happening 24/7. Those stories trigger you to feel anxious/niggly because that anxiety is an appropriately occurring in response to the needs you're telling yourself aren't being, or won't be met because of that story. The anxiety/niggly feeling triggers you to feel overwhelmed because you don't know where it's coming from and the overall story you slip into is "something bad is going to happen, it's going to be my fault, and there's nothing I can do about it, time to check-out!" And out come the food and body focus, the alcohol, the procrastination, the isolation....whatever your drug of choice.

The solution really is simple. As you can see in my sharing above, we can't stop our minds from ever telling us stories but we can quite easily get to a place where those stories hardly ever arise, and when they do, we notice them right away, assess their validity and move on from a place of peace and self-awareness. Once you realize the connection between thoughts and your use of food to cope, and start using some tools to attend to your thoughts more effectively, you will cease to use food to cope, guaranteed!

And as for the feedback, as always I welcome your sharing on how, or if, you're using the tools I share with you. And if you don't feel like sharing or don't have the time, I promise you, I won't take it personally and make assumptions that harm me! Have fun this week noticing your niggle and identifying the story that triggered it. See what you notice.

Autor: Michelle Morand

For over 15 years, personal change-agent Michelle Morand has been helping people of all ages and all walks of life stop using food to cope. A recovered compulsive eater, her personal story, and her professional caring and gentle approach, continually inspires those who struggle with eating disorders. Through her company, The CEDRIC Centre for Counselling, inc., she provides face-to-face, email, and telephone coaching to people around the globe. Products include a variety of downloadable audio and video selections, print and downloadable workbooks, live workshops and a web-based group counselling program.

Author of Food is not the Problem: Deal With What Is! Michelle is a skilled educator and lecturer and frequently appears at live health shows, on radio and TV, and in print media. Visit The CEDRIC Centre website and sign up for the free newsletter at http://www.cedriccentre.com.

Love Michelle

Added: February 9, 2010
Source: http://ezinearticles.com/

Commitments and Balance

"Don't make commitments you can't keep....and still live a balanced life."

Perhaps you're wondering why I added that little bit on the end there? Well, since you asked... Most people will agree that the definition of Integrity is somewhere along the lines of "doing what you say you will" or "words and actions in alignment." I concur with these definitions. But there is a very important piece of the puzzle missing, or inferred:

Integrity = Do what you say you will as long as it doesn't harm you.

In order to be living from this definition of integrity you have to

1. Be well aware of what you're feeling and needing and
2. Be well aware of your deservedness to take care of yourself first and foremost.

No, that is not selfish, it is self-loving. It is necessary as a fundamental framework in your life to honor your commitments to yourself first and foremost.

Doing what you say you will do, to those who use food to cope typically means this:

Honoring your commitments to others, no matter what has changed in your life, no matter how that person is treating you, no matter how you're feeling, no matter how it may harm you to follow through or undermine your trust in yourself. (Because you said you would do it and you don't want anyone getting angry at you, feeling disappointed in you or thinking you're a flake).

At the risk of being ultra cheeky - for a good cause: Can you say "Martyr"? If you resonate at all with that definition of integrity, your definition of integrity needs a tweak.

What you're considering to be integrity is not integrity at all, it's Martyrdom. Regardless of what you've experienced in life so far; regardless of what the key people in your life have told you about what you're "supposed" to do or how you have to suffer to make others happy, the truth is, you deserve, as does everyone else on the planet, to consider your needs first and foremost.

And rather than making you selfish and a bitch and inconsiderate and thoughtless, considering your needs first and foremost means you'll be strong and clear and aware and more happy, more open, more loving, more grounded and more able to be there for the key people in your life and for society at large.

It is scarcity, or the perception of scarcity, that makes us selfish because it makes us grasp and cling to people and things. When you trust yourself to take care of yourself first and foremost you realize you don't need to cling to anyone or anything in order to be happy. You create your own happiness from within and you naturally want to share this happiness and peace with others.

The martyrdom is kept alive by the story that you will be rejected or "judged" for taking care of yourself; for setting boundaries; for saying no; for creating a life that has balance and your self-care at its base rather than running around like a headless chicken trying to make everyone else happy and make everyone else like you.

Each of us who use food to cope do so because we are trying to find a way to be in the world and be happy but at the same time, we believe, because of our interpretation of past experiences, that we can only be happy when "everyone" likes us and is happy with us. This, by the way, is one of the primary characteristics of a codependent approach to the world and it is always at the root of your use of food to cope.

The story that your sense of happiness and peace in the world depends on others approving of you, or being happy with you, is what keeps you stuck feeling anxious and overwhelmed because you know it's a losing battle! You know, on some level, that you really can't keep everyone happy, not for long anyway, and so you're chronically anxious just waiting for the next ball to drop. You're so busy trying to make the rest of the world happy, juggling all those balls, that there is no time for you to take care of yourself:

* to make honoring choices around food;
* to be present enough to eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full;
* to get adequate rest; to exercise moderately and regularly;
* to have moments of rest in each day and really feel deserving of them; and last but not least
* to say no to things that you don't want to do or that conflict with your overall balance and care.

You see, folks that are balanced, peaceful, vibrant, passionate, and self-confident know that if any request or commitment has the potential to undermine their health and balance (emotionally, physically, or spiritually), all bets are off and that they are entitled by the fundamental principles of basic needs to change their minds, to set boundaries, and to care for themselves first and foremost. They don't even question it. It just is. It's the solid framework on which the rest of their lives are built. And that fundamental consideration of their needs and balance first and foremost allows those balanced, happy people to go with the flow and ride the many waves that life brings with grace and dignity; being true to themselves, their feelings and needs, first and foremost. It is a very strong and grounded place to live from.

Folks that use food or drugs or alcohol or procrastination or isolation to cope with life don't have this solid framework yet. In fact, they were taught something else entirely. They were well, and I mean WELL-schooled in the art of codependence: Taking care of others' feelings and needs regardless of the cost to yourself because what other people think of you is far, far more important than what you think or feel about yourself..

You can't hold on to this approach to the world and to yourself and really let go of your use of food to cope. That's because food is a coping strategy that you use when you're feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or depressed, and as long as you believe that you are responsible for everyone else's feelings and needs, you're going to be anxious and overwhelmed and depressed. Trust me, I've been there.

For this week, if you'd like to experiment a bit, notice the thoughts and feelings that arise in you as you make commitments to others or as you are following through on them (or not). Just notice, maybe write a few of those thoughts down. Allow yourself to become more aware of the times when you are getting hooked into that old harmful codependent approach to life and notice how it maintains your need for food to cope.

Remember, food is not the problem. It's just a sign, telling you that you have needs that aren't being met. If you keep ignoring the sign, nothing can change. But if you just take the time to read the sign and look for the needs and learn to meet them in life-enhancing ways, you'll be surprised how easily and quickly your whole life turns around.

It is quite common for people who have been using food to cope for decades to let that go entirely in just a few short months. It doesn't have to take long and it doesn't have to be hard. You just have to take the steps to change your approach to life and to yourself. I'm here to help if you're ready. Stay tuned next week for part II of this when I talk about how the fear of making mistakes keeps you stuck.

Autor: Michelle Morand

For over 15 years, personal change-agent Michelle Morand has been helping people of all ages and all walks of life stop using food to cope. A recovered compulsive eater, her personal story, and her professional caring and gentle approach, continually inspires those who struggle with eating disorders. Through her company, The CEDRIC Centre for Counselling, inc., she provides face-to-face, email, and telephone coaching to people around the globe. Products include a variety of downloadable audio and video selections, print and downloadable workbooks, live workshops and a web-based group counselling program.

Author of Food is not the Problem: Deal With What Is! Michelle is a skilled educator and lecturer and frequently appears at live health shows, on radio and TV, and in print media. Visit The CEDRIC Centre website and sign up for the free newsletter at http://www.cedriccentre.com.

Love Michelle

Added: February 8, 2010
Source: http://ezinearticles.com/

Commitments and Balance - Part Two

I can't believe that I didn't see it as I was writing it but it is kind of ironic that last week, as I was sharing the news of my engagement with you all, the topic I chose to write on was "commitments and balance"! Ah, the subconscious works in mysterious ways doesn't it!? We teach what we most need to learn!

It's definitely a message that I can stand to be reminder of:

"Don't make commitments you can't keep and still live a balanced life!"

No, I'm not rethinking my plans to marry. I am, however, conscious of the need to stay grounded in my day-to-day self-care routine in order to be the best that I can be for my son, my sweetheart, my family and friends-at-large and my clients. We all share that need. We all need a fundamental routine of self-care that we honor first and foremost in order to have the energy and the presence of mind to be healthy and balanced and patient and clear-headed with the rest of the world as we go through our day.

Those of you who use food to cope have it backwards. That was my own experience too. Regardless of how tired, or how sick I was, or what I had planned to take care of for myself that day, if someone asked something of me or even hinted at a need that they had, I dropped myself like a hot potato and took on responsibility for their need getting met and for their feelings in relation to it. I couldn't say no. At least I believed I couldn't.

If I said no, I believed it would mean:

* that they (whoever they were) wouldn't like me;
* that I wasn't a nice person;
* that I was selfish;
* that I would never be asked to do anything for that person ever again;
* that people would gossip about me;
* that I had to have something super duper important, like a lung transplant, or it just wasn't worthy of saying no;
* that people had the right to be angry at me and to stop liking me;
* that people would ostracize me because their needs were more important and I wasn't allowed to take care of myself if it meant that they didn't get what they needed.

I'm sure there were many, many more similar stories - maybe you can share a few of yours with me - but the training I received in life as a child was very clear: Say no to anyone and very bad things will happen because only bad, inconsiderate people say no!

That's what I was taught.

Well, actually, that training was a giant pile of bunk! That training came from my co-dependent parents who were scared shitless by their own dysfunctional training, of anyone not liking them or even having a momentary feeling of disappointment towards them. It just wasn't done.

I do believe that my parents were doing their best with the limited tools and resources they had at that time. I also firmly believe that their training in relating to others was completely backwards and will only ever make life miserable if I, or anyone else for that matter, adheres to it.

The only way to be a healthy, happy, peaceful, passionate, confident human being is come to know in your gut, without question, that you are equally as worthy and deserving of love and caring and of having your needs met as any other human being on the planet. Yes you are!!!!! You must make this knowing your goal and begin to act in small ways that demonstrate that equality to yourself, like the dreaded "saying no."

Often we are so incredibly concerned because of our old co-dependent training and the belief that without everyone's approval we will not be happy or peaceful or okay with how we appear to others that we don't allow ourselves to be ourselves. We hardly know who we are. And from the old co-dependent mindset we're not about to reveal that true self to anyone else until we know she's perfect, flawless, beyond reproach, beyond rejection, able to be everything to everyone and to leap tall buildings in a single bound while she's at it.

You'll be waiting a long time.

How long have you been using food to cope? How many years have you been waiting to feel deserving of caring from yourself and of the time and space to eat well, exercise moderately and get adequate rest; to say no and really put yourself first in your life? How long? How long will you wait before you try something new - something that actually works?

One of the greatest gifts I ever, ever, ever received was the learning of the lesson - that I can make mistakes and still be a decent, worthwhile, lovable, smart, capable, competent person. Wahoo! Freedom to live! Freedom to be real! And rather than it being diminishing to admit I made a mistake, it's very strengthening to stand solid in myself and acknowledge my humanity and imperfection while still valuing myself equally with others.

The only people who have a problem with people making mistakes are those who are still stuck in their own co-dependent, perfectionist mindset, and if they can't make mistakes and be okay, they sure as hell aren't going to let anyone else get away with it either. So, if anyone gives you a tough time for making a mistake, or for being imperfect in their eyes, it is not necessary for you to give yourself a hard time, instead, give them some empathy and compassion and remind yourself of the stress that must be alive in them as they continue to strive for perfection while you are free to live and be happy and to be real.

The story that you're not allowed to make mistakes is another key piece of the martyrdom puzzle that keeps you fully entrenched in using food to cope. In the past you were likely judged, ridiculed, shamed, or perhaps ostracized or even hit or physically harmed in some way for making mistakes. This has everything to do with those people and nothing to do with you. Cross my heart!

Now, as an adult, it is fundamental to your happiness that you allow yourself to admit to yourself and others when you've made a boo boo. This comes up more often in the form of making plans (back to the commitments piece) that you then realize don't really work for you or are just too much to take on. The old you, the co-dependent you, would force herself to honor those commitments, regardless of the havoc it might wreak in your own self-care or even in your family, because you'd be afraid of people thinking less of you for changing your mind. In other words, you believe that you should always know immediately what you feel and what you need, or even what you'll feel and need 2 weeks or 3 months from now, and that there is something wrong with you if you don't.

I challenge each of you to the following homework assignment:

1. Commit to saying: "I'll think about it," or "I'll get back to you, I'm not sure what I have on," or "there's something niggling in me about that night/date, I'll have to get back to you," whenever you are asked to do anything at all, even if you're sure you're going to want to, for the next 2 weeks. No matter what!
2. Commit to really thinking about what feels right and best to you, not what others would like best or what would work best for others, not even what would make you most popular. Only commit to those things that feel right to you and that you have the time and space for while still taking good care of yourself: eating well, exercising moderately, and getting adequate rest. If you're not doing those three things well at this point, don't take anything else on until you've got a nice flow with those three things. Everything else will fall into place once you've got your self-care in balance.

Life is for learning. Mistakes are for learning. Mistakes are human. To err is to be human. There is nothing wrong with you if you make a commitment that later turns out to be too much. There is something wrong with you if you don't let it be okay to say you've over committed and you need to change your mind. It's called co-dependency and it is at the root of your use of food to cope. Change that and you don't need to numb and soothe yourself with food anymore. Guaranteed!

Let me know how you do with the challenge.

Love Michelle

Autor: Michelle Morand

For over 15 years, personal change-agent Michelle Morand has been helping people of all ages and all walks of life stop using food to cope. A recovered compulsive eater, her personal story, and her professional caring and gentle approach, continually inspires those who struggle with eating disorders.

Through her company, The CEDRIC Centre for Counselling, inc., she provides face-to-face, email, and telephone coaching to people around the globe. Products include a variety of downloadable audio and video selections, print and downloadable workbooks, live workshops and a web-based group counselling program.

Author of Food is not the Problem: Deal With What Is! Michelle is a skilled educator and lecturer and frequently appears at live health shows, on radio and TV, and in print media.

Visit The CEDRIC Centre website and sign up for the free newsletter at http://www.cedriccentre.com.

Added: February 6, 2010
Source: http://ezinearticles.com/