Anorexia - An Insider's Story

When people hear the word anorexia, they visualize a person who is very thin. That image is correct. The physical side is noticeable; however, the emotional side which is the most painful is rarely seen.

What is anorexia nervosa? It is an eating disorder where a person starves herself. According to the South Carolina Department of Mental Health, the mortality rate of anorexic females is 12 times higher than the death rate from all causes of death in females 18 - 24 years old.

There are many reasons for self induced malnourishment; low self-esteem, a loss of control over one's life and depression are just a few. A story by someone who has been there gives an insider's account of what it's like to be anorexic, and why it happened to her.

The Beginning

Ashlee Starr* was outgoing and vivacious. At 23, she had a lot of friends, worked as a certified nursing assistant and participated in several work-related events. She was newly divorced when she ran into an old friend, Roy, whom she met at a restaurant three years earlier where he worked as a cook. Roy was divorced also, and was eight months older than Ashlee. A week after running into each other, Roy and Ashlee started dating.

Two months later, Roy asked Ashlee to marry him. She explained to him that she wanted to remain single for a while but he said that he didn't want to lose her. He told her that if she didn't marry him, he would stop seeing her. She felt pressured and uneasy about his words, but she was falling in love, she enjoyed being with him, he was good to her, and she didn't want their relationship to end so she said yes.

Fifteen minutes after the wedding ceremony, Roy became verbally abusive. He berated Ashlee relentlessly. He whistled at a woman walking down the street. For the remainder of the return trip, Ashlee cowered in the passenger seat hoping that Roy was just bad tempered because of the heat.

When they returned home, her happy life as she knew it was over. Roy was emotionally abusive on a continual basis. He put her down, ridiculed and embarrassed her in front of other people. He made fun of the way she walked and talked. He told her that she was worthless, and that he didn't know why he married her. Nothing that she did was ever good enough for Roy.

Since Roy was unemployed and his only income was unemployment compensation, Ashlee worked two full-time jobs to help pay the bills. When she asked how his job hunt was going, he informed her that he didn't have to work. He criticized her and insisted that she wasn't pulling her weight in their relationship. None of this made sense to Ashlee because she was doing more than her share by working and taking care of their household. Roy started forbidding her to see her friends. He limited the time that she spent with her family. He played Ashlee and her family against each other. His abuse had also turned physical, and during one of his outbursts, Roy slapped Ashlee because she went to her doctor for a medical condition instead of asking him for help. His physical abuse escalated, and Roy frequently hit Ashlee, sometimes sending her to the hospital.

Ashlee's life dissolved into complete misery. After five months of marriage, she told Roy that she wanted a divorce. A week before her announcement, Roy had received a job offer from a friend in a neighboring state. He begged her not to leave and wanted a separation instead. She agreed and felt sure that the time they spent apart would help their marriage.

The Relocation

Roy packed a few things and departed. For three months he visited Ashlee on the weekends, wooing her by being kind, loving and considerate. He told her that he had done a lot of thinking and promised that he would never strike or yell at her again. With the changes that Roy appeared to have made, Ashlee decided to give him another chance and against the wishes of her family, moved out-of-state with him.

At first, things seemed to be looking up. Life between them was good for several weeks. One day while doing some cleaning, Ashlee found pornographic magazines hidden in cupboards. When she asked Roy about the magazines, he became belligerent and informed her that it was none of her business. His behavior became progressively worse. Ashlee didn't know what to do. Her family and friends were hundreds of miles away, and she was in a strange town with a man that she was afraid of. His stifling grip on Ashlee tightened, and she had very little freedom.

Life Got Worse

Over the next four years, Ashlee wasn't allowed to have any friends that Roy didn't select and approve of. He was again physically and mentally abusive to her, and he didn't let her forget that he was the boss. The few visits that she was allowed to have with her family, he spoke angrily to her for several days afterward. He often threatened to kill them if she didn't do exactly he directed.

Ashlee had lost control of her life. As a release from stress, she began to exercise daily. What began as the only pleasure in her life became an obsession. Her workouts were three times daily for two hours. If she missed a workout, she became frantic. She became obsessed about what she ate, and cut her portions to less than what a child could eat. She weighed herself several times a day.

Before long, Ashlee was eating only one eighth of her meal. As her weight went down, Roy accused her of losing weight for other men, and of having sexual affairs. He followed her to work and constantly spied on her. The more he ranted and flung accusations at her, the more she withdrew into herself.

People that cared about Ashlee urged her to gain some weight. She was down to 108 lbs. Her cheeks were sunken, her eyes were dull, her hair was brittle and she was exhausted. Her shoulders, ribs and hip bones were visible, and she couldn't sleep on either side because it was so painful. Even so, she felt that she was too fat and needed to lose more weight. Her life followed that course for more than two years.

The Turning Point

The turning point in Ashlee's life came when Shelly, a friend of hers and Roy's, moved in with them. Shelly was nine years younger than the couple, and having her there was a welcome change for Ashlee. After Shelly had been with them for two months, Ashlee noticed that Roy and Shelly were spending a lot of time together. She observed covert looks between them, and they told private jokes to each other. The attraction between them was obvious. Roy forbade Ashlee to go anywhere with him but always took Shelly along. Eventually Shelly disclosed to her that she and Roy were planning her demise.

Ashlee knew that if she wanted to remain alive, she had to do something fast to get out of her horrifying situation. Since Roy had threatened to mutilate her and kill her family if she ever tried to leave him, she did the only thing she could do - she sedated him. When he fell asleep, she loaded her car up with what she could get in it and fled home to her family.

Roy immediately started harassing Ashlee and her family. Undaunted by his threats, her father took the reins. After a few weeks of settling in and unwinding from the severe stress, Ashlee's health started to improve. She no longer felt the need to control her food intake so stringently, and she was able to enjoy her father's home cooked meals. She finally felt safe, and started gaining some weight. Her outlook on life was better than it had been before she married Roy. She had the support of her family and friends, and within a year she was working. She divorced Roy and continued to rebuild her life.

Twenty-six years later, Ashlee is able to look back on that time period with the wisdom of an adult that has self-respect, and high self-esteem. "In retrospect, I should have seen what was coming when Roy turned abusive as soon as we were married," she says. "I know now that my becoming anorexic was the result of the loss of control over my life and the abuse that I suffered. The only thing that I had control over was what and how much I put in my mouth. I am very lucky that I didn't die." It took her a number of years to overcome the emotional damage from her marriage to Roy, and she vowed that she would never let any kind of event cause her to become anorexic again.

So far she hasn't.

*Name changed at interviewee's request.

Copyright 2009 Patti McMann. All rights reserved.

Autor: Patti McMann Patti McMann
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Patti was born and raised in Oregon. A writer all of her life, she writes for business and pleasure. She has well rounded knowledge and ... ...

Patti McMann is a freelance writer. She writes on a variety of topics for print and electronic publications. She has a diverse background and experience in many subjects, and offers writing services at competitive rates. To find out more, visit her website at http://www.pattimcmann.com

Added: July 18, 2009
Source: http://ezinearticles.com/